A Poem for Aidan

Bright brittle morn's,
hoar frost glistening on spruce and elm,
the beauty, the transience of the view,
makes me think of you

wind whispering, rustling the trees
tiny birds trilling hidden in their boughs
natures secrets breathed into the very air
the moment speaks to me
and I hear you

restless dogs let into the night
the sky overhead a black velvet blanket
sprinkled with jewels
the stillness the silence
shouts to me
and I long for you

Slow dancing snowflakes
descending gently to the soft pristine landscape
the pureness caressing soothing
like a gentle loving touch
and I feel you

sparkling sunlight
shimmering water of the lethargic river
flowing meandering on unchanging
and I see you

Dearest Aidan....

Well Aidan, my sweet little boy, your fourth month anniversary passed with less dramatics than your third. It fell on Easter Sunday and we had guests for breakfast which went very well and was really relaxing. In the afternoon I felt so ill that I just went to bed and dozed on and off all day. I thought of you and said quietly out loud "Aidan I love you" .

I truly wish I believed in God or heaven because then I could believe you hear me and I would see you again. But I do not have that faith, but I do believe in spirituality and meaning and purpose to all existence, I am just very unsure how it all functions and how all these jigsaw pieces fit together

I am trying to write a poem for you it will be posted here soon. I am also sorting out your photos so that I can put them up here as well.

Well that is all for today wee man, thinking of you and loving you with every beat of my heart. Love Mum

Communication!!

It's all about communication. We do not do enough of it, we do not do it well nor do we get much better at it over the years. It is pretty obvious to me that like most things effective communication techniques can be learned but must be practiced. One must work at communicating, just like one must work at relationships. Actually I guess a big part of the 'work'needed in most relationships is better communication skills.

Sort of weird that what I talk about most when I go to my bereavement counsellor is the trouble I have communicating in my relationship. I guess the loss of Aidan underlined our differences but also focussed my attention on the relationships worst feature the trouble we have communicating. For me it is the lack or rudimentary communication that we have about our emotional needs..(maybe I just mean my emotional needs). My man never mentions Aidan, I do frequently. I light a candle on his death date, I look at photos of Aidan many times a week, he has never looked at them. He did not want to see or hold Aidan at the hospital, of course I held him until I thought I would never let go, handing Aidan back to the nurse was the hardest thing I have ever done. I appear to be of topic but hey never mind...I do not believe any body is reading my blog nor do I think it would make very happy reading...so this is really just for me.

Aidan's three month anniversary!

It is terrible how fearful I am about not grieving enough or too much.

Sunday was three months since I lost Aidan. I thought I was doing quite well but the bottom fell out of my emotional world when I argued with my man. To say I became irrational is downplaying the situation. I blew everything out of proportion, yelled, cried and threatened to leave (before Aidan's death, I enjoyed an argument, but I was never irrational nor did I say or yell things that I later regretted). I so wanted him to hug me and tell me everything would be alright. No surprise that he found that impossible to do with the way I was behaving.

I asked him to forgive me, he says he can not now and nor does he know when he will be able to.

I felt very alone in my grief before Sunday, now I have made myself feel even worse. The only person I can talk to is the Social Worker who I was assigned to when I first found out about the cystic hygroma. I so want Aidan's father to be the one to listen and support, he is not available to me in that way. I made an appointment with my Counselor last night I need to talk about how irrational I got on Sunday, but I also want someone to listen and help me grieve for Aidan.