Aidan's Ultrasound image from 29 October 2004

Sweet, Sweet little Man,
Where has 7 years and eight months gone?  I love you and think of you often.

Your sister Kirsten has her birthday in little over a weeks time.  She will be 6 years old.

She knows of you and misses having a big brother. She thinks the two of you would have had great times playing together.

Did I tell you I had a memorial river stone carved with your full name and birth date?  It resides in my garden amongst the herbs.

Also have I told you that I am a better person for having you in my life for that short time.

Living the grief, grappling with loosing you and all my hopes for you; created a stronger more sensitive yeilding person.  A better person most definitely, but I am still working and will always work on being the best person I can possibly be.

The best mother to Aidan and Kirsten, someone that you both can be proud of.

Love you my dear dear boy. Your Mama.

Hullo Darling boy

Aidan,
So long since I typed words to you. I think of you so often, I wish that we could have been all together in the here and now. Kirsten your little sister is such a delight, happy and laid back. I know you would have been quiet and intense, the perfect foil for your sister. Oh that the two of you could have played together. The two of you with your dark heads together, contemplating the world with your chocolate brown eyes. My god I wish I could hold you again with my arms, wrap them around you tightly and tell you how much I love you, but I can only do this to you in my minds eye . Mind you Kirsten is hugged twice once for herself and once for you my little man.
Love Mummy

Two years have gone by

Aidan,
November 27 the day you were still born has come and gone, 1 December the day of your memorial service has come and gone. I was surprised at how raw I felt on those two days, I was saddened that no one else seemed to remember these dates. Your little sister gives me moments of pure bliss, those moments are always followed by guiltly sad thoughts of you. I imagine what it would be like with you my year and half year old son leaning against my knee as I feed your little sister. Know that a day does not go by where I do not think of you with love, know that I will be the best possible mother to your little sister that I can possibly be.
love Mummy

Hello Son

Dear Aidan,
I have not written to you in such a long time. I still think of you daily and I mention you to people every chance I get. I have a lovely pencil drawing of you by Heather Spears, which is framed and in my private space. I have not shown any one else yet.

Just think if you had survived your birth you would have been a year and a half old, but really only a year because you were due roughly today in 2005. So hard to believe that I held you dead in my arms, that you never took a breath, never got a chance to be with us and share with us.

So much has happened. I have some wonderful news to share with you, you are going to be a big brother, I am pregnant for the second time with a little girl. We have decided to call her Kirsten Eileen. Please if you are looking out for me could you extend your care to your little sister so she can join us in August. We so much want her with us, as we so much wanted you with us, that was not to be.
Much love kisses and hugs
from your Mum

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness and Rememberance Day October 15th

Aidan,
You are remembered.
Love Mum

10 Month Anniversary

Aidan,
Another month has gone by since I lost you. My dear sweet boy I miss you with all of me . I think of you hourly.

I am trying to organise something in our area for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, which is October. I am doing it for and because of you, so other mothers and fathers do not have to suffer alone, unsupported and unheard.

Aidan know that I love you and will always love you.
Your Mum

"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."

Appropriate Quote

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose.
All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.
Helen Keller.

Eighth month anniversary of your death.

Aidan,
It is eight months now since we lost you. They have been very hard months. This month last year was when you were conceived. I had hoped I would be pregnant by now. We have been trying since February

I see you so clearly in my minds eye now. The events of your birth are much clearer as well. I remember things suddenly about that morning it is very disconcerting. My brain has held on to these memories, words, sounds and smells until now and only now is it letting me remember. Maybe it is a self preservation / protection thing, when the pain and loss is so raw these memories images would just tip you over the edge but with time you are more able to deal with them and your brain lets you remember.

Any way my little man, I thought you would like to know that your face is very clear in my minds eye, as is the feel of you in my arms, the cool fragility of your skin, your tiny little hands crossed on your little chest and your little feet poking out of the blanket you were wrapped in. I love you, I miss you and I think of you all the time.
lots of love Mum.