Little feet.

Little feet, still,
Not kicking
Little hands, still,
Not holding
Little heart, still,
Not beating
Little eyes, still
Not looking
Little boy, still
Not growing
Big presence, gone
But not forgotten

Expected due date April 5th 2005

Well I have now passed the date of my expected due date for Aidan. I have not been pregnant for four months now. I do not know how I feel about this anniversary, very sad that I am not still pregnant and about to give birth to a healthy baby boy. Numb. I feel I am keeping my feelings buried, bottled up. I have had four months of grief, of pain, of thinking of all the 'what if's'. Nobody has acknowledged to me that they remember that this was when I was due. The most frequent thought in my head of late is that I am a failure at the one thing that means something in life, giving birth to and nuturing another human being. It does not help that my fortieth birthday is behind me and I feel like I have run out of time.

Bereaved Parents Sharing Growing Strong.

On Wednesday I attended my first Bereaved Parents Group. There was only me and a married couple who were not actually Social Workers. However all of the Social Workers had had a loss of some kind. Our losses ranged over 30 years, the couple and my loss being the most recent. We all shared and I found that having the couple who had suffered a recent loss actually there and listening to my story and then me listening to theirs gave me such a sense of relief. It was almost like pressure had been building up because I had so little opportunity to share this loss, to speak Aidan's name with people I felt had a hope of comprehending the depth the magnitude of my hurt. To hear them tell of a similar pain, a related anguish, to hear them use exactly the same words that I had used, to find out that they had the same thoughts and feelings as they moved through the greif process was a normalising burden sharing comfort which went way beyond how useful I thought the group was going to be to me.

If any parent were to ask me about the benefits of sharing and talking I would suggest talking to a counsellor and attending a group as soon as they feel ready. I think also there is no deadline on your attendance. Thirty years later a women still finds the supportive open environment of the group theraputic but it also gives her an uncommon opportunity to talk about her baby boy who she has not held for thrity years.

If there had been no Social Worker , no group for me, I can not imagine how I would be coping. I am finding North American society and culture gives the parents who have suffered some form of pregnancy loss or neonatal death few opportunities to greive in a constructive and accepting way. I feel I have come a long way in the four months since my loss but I think that is due to my looking outside of myself for support and listeners. I feel strong but I wish to be stronger and happier.